Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Looking Back...

Hi everyone!  Thanks so much for all the support and comments these last 2 days.  It means a lot.  Today I am actually going to bring back a former post.  It's the one that I mentioned Monday.  The orgiinal title:  The (Figurative) Dcotor Killer.  Please...enjoy?  

I think I jinx doctors.  I either make them quit or they "resign".  I was thinking about making this a post awhile ago but then something today happened that affirmed it.  I got a letter from the last doctor I went to.  

Every doctor I have listed below is a doctor/therapist that I have "chased" away. These are their stories. *said in Law & Order voice*

Dr. D:  He was my OB/GYN when I was pregnant.  I loved him and he was very easy to trust (since my life and my son's were in his hands during the c-section).  However 3 months after my son was born he "resigned".  I say (type) it like that because he was asked to resign.  Not for malpractice or anything to do with patients and his ability...but other reasons.

Dr. R:  He was my general doctor.  I went to him for check-ups and a few other things over the years.  He retired last year. 

Dr. W:  She was my next GYN.  I needed to see her for "girly" reasons.  I saw her 3 times and then she told me she actually doesn't practice at the hospital all the time.  She was moving back to Montana.

Dr. B: This is my first therapist.  I had actually went for the initial visit and met with NK who I figured was going to be my therapist. However she wasn't taking new patients so I was recommended to Dr. B.  First visit?  He told me he accepted a new position somewhere else and would be gone in 3 weeks.  I still met with him a few times and the good news was NK said she would open appointments for me.

NK: She turned out to be my primary therapist.  I have been seeing her since last fall and because of her I have become a better person.  She was so easy to talk to and she was close in age to me so it was almost like talking to a friend.  Well all of sudden my insurance dropped...which means no more appointments with NK.  At my last appointment I told her but I wanted to make an appointment in a few months so I could save up some money.  Then came the bad news.  She also had accepted a new position somewhere and that day she had put in her notice.  Commence me crying for the whole appointment.

Dr. L:  Last but not least.  I went to see him one time (ONE TIME!), for a problem with my foot and yesterday I got a letter...he has decided to stop working for the hospital and work somewhere else.  

I know these are probably all coincidences...but it certainly does not feel like it.  I feel like I am the Doctor "Killer"  (like said in the title, in a figurative sense).  Hopefully in the future I will have better luck!

*Edited June 27, 2012*  I just called my doctor to make an appointment to talk about what I can do for my problems.  Well she is on maternity leave!  Really?!  Oh well...on to another doctor!!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Keeping It Real (Part 2)

Hello!  It's Tuesday!  Is that good?  :)

So if you didn't read yesterday's post, here you go.  

Today I am talking about that word.  Depression.  

Depression runs in my family.  My mom and 2 sisters have/had it and I always thought..."well that will never happen to me."
The first time I have ever heard of depression is when I was called to the Guidance Counselor's office in High School.   She wanted to talk about my mom.  
My mom used to (and still is in some ways)  a strong, blunt, air force officer, nurse.  She used to wake up before all of us and have her breakfast & coffee.  Then she told me what she was going through... she was constantly worried about money (even though we had enough), that I would come home and find my dad dead. (he has heart problems), and so much more.

So awhile ago my husband and I got into a fight.  I won't get into details but he said something to me that made me really upset.  "You are only happy now when you are sleeping".  I actually didn't get upset with him but actually myself.  Because it dawned on me...oh my gosh...he's right.

I hadn't really paid attention to myself lately but that made me open my eyes.  For the past few weeks and the few weeks after he said that, I realized I was changing.  

I was wanting to do nothing.  Literally.   I don't want to go anywhere, eat, work out, read, read blogs, write blog posts, watch TV (that's big for me).  Also I don't want to shower or get dressed.  Besides feeding, changing, and dressing Mason, I just sit there.  I would sit on the couch and just stare.  Every now and then I play a game on my iPad, then just sit and stare.

Guss started getting worried and finally asked, what can we do?  I wanted to go to the Doctor's but I don't really have good insurance.  But I finally realized, I can't live like next Wednesday I am off to the see a Doctor.  I just hope it helps.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Keeping It Real (Part One)

Hi.  As some of you may have noticed, I have been gone awhile.  

I've missed blogging but yet it was a break that was unintentional.  And no I am not pregnant. :) (I only say that because a lot of people tend to take a break when they are ending the school year or they are pregnant)

So, I have never felt the need to hold back on this ol blog, so I thought I would let you know what has been up with me.  

I haven't made it a secret (nor have a I really gotten in to it) but I struggle with anxiety and OCD.  My struggles for anxiety started after college.  I can't pinpoint when it all started but all of a sudden one little thing to worry about turned into unbelievable stomachaches, crying, and shaking.  Then the OCD came...  Eventually when I went to the doctor (years later) I learned that OCD is a way to deal/handle ones anxiety.  

My OCD isn't as bad at what you may see on the show Obsessed but it definitely has affected my life in a negative way.  If you want to know more about how it has affected me, go ahead and ask, but I won't get into too much detail here.  Mainly it involves: touching things, reading things, checking things, safety, and feeling "even".  I know that might not make sense to you, but if you suffer from OCD you might just understand.

I always thought I hid everything pretty well.  (I seemed to the OCD but apparently not the anxiety.) I started noticing comments from people that shocked me.  My dad told me "if you keep worrying so much you are going to give yourself an ulcer" (at this point I was 6 months pregnant), my former boss told me "you worry too much", and my family started keeping things from me, worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

After my son was born and all of a sudden I became a stay at home mom, things changed.  It was the summer and Mason had just turned 2 months old.  I was used to doing things, going outside, and all of sudden I was stuck inside holding a baby all day long.  During these summer days all of sudden I was feeling like I couldn't breath, shaking, pacing.  I soon came to realize I was having panic attacks.  Then, I finally bit the bullet and went to a doctor.

If you look back at this post  (an actual funny one about myself being a "Doctor Killer") I went to see my Physician.  He recommended therapy and started me on fluoxetine.  Honest to God, within a few months I felt awesome.  I know the meds helped tremendously but the therapy was the best.  I had a therapist who was young, funny, and I knew under different circumstances we could be friends.  Plus she was giving me all these great tools to be less co-dependent and stop with a lot of my OCD rituals.

Well after about a year, I got news I was being dropped by one of my forms of insurance.  The one who pays for most of my therapy appointments.  At my last session my therapist actually told me she had accepted a job in a new town.  (Refer back once again to my "Doctor Killer" post).  So of course we didn't accomplish anything that session because I bawled the whole time.

Even though I really missed her and our sessions, I thought I had the tools to help myself and carry on.  This June it had been 6 months...and things were starting to change.  And unfortunately not for good...


I'm not trying to make this a mystery post but I have already posted too much and want to focus on the next part with its own post.  I realized this has been long but I have really felt the need to get it out there. 

Come back tomorrow if you are interested in hearing the rest.  Especially if you are feeling the same way I am.
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