I don't mean for this to be a weird, cryptic post - but I have just been thinking.
Thinking about life in general.
Isn't it weird that it can make you happy, hopeful, content but also in a day make you feel ashamed, defeated, depressed, and down on yourself?
This past weekend I spend some time with my family in a resort town in Wisconsin and I had a lot of fun. Just seeing my niece and my son play, seeing my parents, my sister, just not having any plans but hanging out.
But then last night I come home and I become unhappy. Maybe because I am sad the weekend is over, the new week is starting, or something else.
I am unhappy sometimes of who I am. Of who I see in the mirror. I don't think I am the same person I used to be.
In some ways that is good. I used to be so insecure and jealous and hateful person. Now I feel like I am better but I still get down.
I don't feel like I have any (IRL) friends - (I have been having major Best Friend issues that will come up another day) - I feel like I weigh a million pounds (and I really can't blame it on my son - it's my lifestyle).
I struggle with smoking. Gross, I know. I grew up with my dad who smoked constantly and had 2 heart attacks and heart-by-pass surgery. And what do I do? I smoke. What is wrong with me? I don't want my son to have to be in 4th grade like I was and see me in the Intensive Care Unit.
I think my biggest problem is self-control. Will power. I literally have none. NONE.
Right now in my life...I want to be content. I want to have a simplified life. And I really wish I still had my therapist. I have a great friend and family member I can turn to, but there is something about a person who doesn't know you, that really helps. (You can read about why I no longer have one here).
Sorry that this is long and depressing but this blog is for me to talk about who I am and what I am feeling. It's just really nice to write about how I feel. Have a great Monday lovies and come back tomorrow for something wayyyyyy more light hearted. :)