Monday, January 30, 2012

Isn't it weird . . .

I don't mean for this to be a weird, cryptic post - but I have just been thinking.  


Thinking about life in general.


Isn't it weird that it can make you happy, hopeful, content but also in a day make you feel ashamed, defeated, depressed, and down on yourself?


This past weekend I spend some time with my family in a resort town in Wisconsin and I had a lot of fun. Just seeing my niece and my son play, seeing my parents, my sister, just not having any plans but hanging out.  


But then last night I come home and I become unhappy.  Maybe because I am sad the weekend is over, the new week is starting, or something else.


I am unhappy sometimes of who I am.  Of who I see in the mirror.  I don't think I am the same person I used to be. 


In some ways that is good.  I used to be so insecure and jealous and hateful person.  Now I feel like I am better but I still get down.


I don't feel like I have any (IRL) friends - (I have been having major Best Friend issues that will come up another day) - I feel like I weigh a million pounds (and I really can't blame it on my son - it's my lifestyle).


I struggle with smoking.  Gross, I know.  I grew up with my dad who smoked constantly and had 2 heart attacks and heart-by-pass surgery.  And what do I do?  I smoke.  What is wrong with me?  I don't want my son to have to be in 4th grade like I was and see me in the Intensive Care Unit.  


I think my biggest problem is self-control.  Will power.  I literally have none.  NONE.


Right now in my life...I want to be content.  I want to have a simplified life.  And I really wish I still had my therapist.  I have a great friend and family member I can turn to, but there is something about a person who doesn't know you, that really helps.  (You can read about why I no longer have one here).  


Sorry that this is long and depressing but this blog is for me to talk about who I am and what I am feeling.  It's just really nice to write about how I feel.  Have a great Monday lovies and come back tomorrow for something wayyyyyy more light hearted. :)

9 comments:

Nikki said...

I just want you to know that I'm an outsider and don't "know" you on that level and will always be there to listen. My advice may not be PhD level but my "ears" are beyond.

I keep telling myself this lately...Happiness is a mood-not a destination. You are allowed sad times but happiness can come just as fast.

Monica said...

I can completely relate. Sometimes you can't help but feel unhappy with yourself. I do think therapy helps and also journaling. Identifying things that you can change to make it better and finding support to help with those things!

kyna... said...

I know the feeling! I have such an amazing life and I'm so blessed, but I can still get so down on myself all the time. Hang in there hon!
♥ Kyna

kyna... said...

p.s- even though it may be hard to get it out there, I love your honesty in this post!
♥ Kyna

Barbie said...

You are a wonderful person Miranda! It's okay to have bad days, we all do, and so many people love and care about you. If you ever want to talk, I'm almost a licensed counselor ;) (Even though it would be an ethics violation to counsel you since I know you hahha!)

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lindsey said...

You are awesome. I think part of becoming content is going through the process of determining why you aren't content. I also think that the weather and post holidays is a sort of funk for everyone. We all go through it at least some of the time. Sometimes we just need to get it out there and I think you did a good job. When P first left and I had major adjusting to do because of my new role, I had to find time and things to feel like me again. Start with something small and go from there. Get away and do something for yourself, and if you don't remember what those things are, start with something you've never done. It helps to get excited about doing something new, and you can meet new people and they can learn to love the new you you are creating. Peace love and cocoa cocoa puffs!

Nichole said...

Hope this passes for you. I have some different issues but I can relate. I go through stuff sometimes (well, don't we all?) and can't figure out why some days are better than others. Hang in there, girl!

Katie said...

You can talk to me anytime day or night! I love ya!

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