Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Lost


~ I'm ashamed I already fell off the "Everyday in May" boat.   I really wanted to make it.  I also hate being such a Debbie Downer *wah wahhh* in my posts but I really like to keep things real.  So the first part of today is just that...real.   Second part, I will  get back into this May blog challenge and share some happy things ~

I'm feeling lost.

I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, and OCD for awhile and I thought I was getting it under control.

But lately I have felt lost...

Lost in life, friendships, relationships, family, and even just everyday things.

I haven't been able to set my mind straight, get thing done, accomplish even the smallest goals like cleaning the house.

I'm struggling.

Relationships with my family, friends, if I even have any, and even my own son.

Being a stay at home mom has its advantages.  Some people even like to think they don't do anything.  But right now I feel like because of being one, I lost who I am.  What I like to do, who I wanted to be.   Why did I even go to college to get a degree if all I'm going to do is chase around a kid all day.  I'm sorry if that sounds ungrateful, but it's hard.   Hard giving up your life to cater to just one tiny person.

I love my child, and I would die for him.  But what happened to me? Why does it feel like I have nothing to turn to?

I'm just lost.   And that's the best way to describe it.

8 comments:

Suze said...

Oh Miranda, I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I kind of feel that way sometimes too, and you shouldn't feel badly or guilty.

I hope you're found soon. Call/text/tweet/email/whatever me. I am here for you!

Alana Christine said...

I'm sorry honey. Focus on you!

Sarah said...

I got some of these feelings when I was living far away from family and friends. I had no adult interaction during the day besides small talk with the grocery store cashier. It was hard. I was depressed and I didn't suffer from anxiety so I can't say "I know how you feel". I can say that I struggle to find the value in what I do some days. Try to focus on the little things and get outside- sunshine is great medicine :) I'll be thinking of you and I hope this dark cloud goes away soon!

Robin said...

I admire you for writing such an open, an honest post. I don't have children but I can understand why you are saying some of these things.

Katie said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Being a stay at home IS a job! I'm sure at times it can feel mundane but you get to enjoy those special moments with Mason! If you need to 'get out' or have a girls nights, please call me and invite me over ;)

Kristine said...

I know exactly how you're feeling because I struggle with it too... More often than not. I'm on meds for my anxiety and depression and somedays I just don't know that they're doing their job because of they were, I wouldn't be feel the way I am. And now their thinking I might be bipolar? Great, just admit me already why don't ya?
I know it's easier said than done but try to find the positive in things... Read an unlifting book like the happiness project or get outside and go for a walk (surprisingly, exercise really does help when you're feeling even more depressed than normal)... Keep your chin up girl, you're not alone :)

jessica said...

Oh, friend. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know it may not help when you're feeling down but just remember that what you are doing is an amazing job and something so important for Mason - not everyone has that chance! I've often felt too that my interests are lost, my time is gone, I've lost ME...but then I remember how short of a time we really are NEEDED by our kids and how one day we'll want this time with them back. So try and focus on that and just enjoy this time and know that you haven't really lost yourself, you're just on the back burner sometimes ;) But you DO need to find a way to fit in some me time. Read a book, walk around Target, meet someone for coffee, just get some peace and quiet every once in a while. You deserve that. I'm sure it'll make time at home more enjoyable too. Also, you know i'm always here if you need to vent!! Just text me.

WeeMason's Mom said...

I've totally felt this way from time to time myself, without having any anxiety issues in my past. It totally makes sense, having a kid and caring for a kid really seems to change the whole ball game and it changes relationships in ways you'd never expect and seems to really kill friendships. So frustrating.

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